16. Weird.

Are you from London? Do you live in London? No. Do you love the tube? I bet you love the tube. And the bus. You love it don’t you, cos it’s London. You probably got a picture of yourself with an underground sign and next to a red double decker in an album of a million photos on Facebook, called “My weekend in London.” Or something to that effect…Are you going to Leicester Square? Going to watch a show? I’ve seen loads of shows.

I didn’t get my oyster out quick enough the other day and stood at the side rummaging through my bag like a dick. That was in Leicester Square. If you don’t have your oyster ready, you are a dick. And you’re probably gonna get trodden on. People are like dinosaurs in tube stations.
I can tell your not from here. How? People know you’re not from London, if you haven’t got an oyster.

Do you know you can’t actually use the bus without an Oyster card?

Oh actually, have you got contactless?

Works like an oyster.

I haven’t got contactless yet.
I hate public transport. At home I’d never get the bus. As in home home. Not London home. In London, you have to. I don’t mind the tube, until it robs my money. It actually does that you know, robs your money. They do eventually give it you back but still..

I’ll tell you, the best bit of the journey, if you walk along the top deck whilst the bus is in motion without stumbling- nailed it. Or or- if you manage to find the exact spot on the platform where the doors will open you are a winner… Until some fucking rude idiot pushes in front of you and doesn’t allow the people off first. That’s not cool. That’s against the rules. Something else against the rules is talking. Don’t speak to someone you don’t know whilst on public transport in London. It’s weird. You’re weird. I’m sure you’re a lovely human being, but in London, you’re weird.
I’m just helping you out.
I’m not weird.

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