17. Would you tell him if you saw him?

Tell him what?

What would I do if I saw him?

I couldn’t tell him how I really feel. What would I say?

I wouldn’t say anything. I’d say hello. I’d smile. I’d have a good, civil conversation and I’d leave. Then I’d probably spend the next year wishing I’d said something and then hoped he had said the same thing back, and not walked away.

But it’s too risky. Anyway we never speak as it is, you can’t just not speak to someone for months and then tell them you love them. I don’t even know if I do still love him, actually. Or if I’ve just not met someone who makes me feel like he did.

And we’ve both changed, and grown up. To me that’s a good thing but I bet he doesn’t even think about me anymore. And I can’t, I won’t ever be someone that wants him for money. And no-one is gonna think that of me. He’s doing well now, and that’s great, I’m proud. But I’d still feel like this if he wasn’t. Sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back and, like, not leave. Or work something out. But what’s regretting? You can’t regret things. That’s the type of thing I’d say to you, I need to take on a bit of my own advice. If I turned the clock back I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. And I’m proud of myself. He’s off living his dream and mine is just beginning.

I guess I just thought, and convinced myself cause it’s easier, that it’s never over. I always thought we’d find each other somewhere and get married and have kids. No matter how far apart we got, it’s never over.

He won’t be thinking like this. He’ll be off enjoying himself. But if he does ever think of me, I should have said something. I thought about writing it all down but it didn’t sound like me. Maybe it’s just not the time.

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